Woman Swap

Recently I was talking to one of my good friends, who is also married with babies, and we were discussing a friend of hers. This friend is also married with babies, but she is NOTHING like we are. She is a wife and a mom that is soooooo…ugh. Yes I know that “ugh” does not explain what I mean in, but I’m sure you get the implied meaning. Due to her being “ugh,” I came to the realization that I want to do a Woman Swap. Here’s the catch though…my woman swap will be me taking in another wife, and helping her learn not to be “ugh.” Now if you are wondering what makes me think that I have the authority to do this…it’s because I’m the sh*t. LOL. No but seriously (I am not discrediting the I am the sh*t…because I am), I feel that I’m qualified because my husband and all his friends always use me as the go to fixer. I am the Olivia Pope (yes that’s a Scandal reference) of relationships in my world. Always trying to help the men understand their women, and the women get a f*ckin grip. Due to this, I have decided to list some things that I have had to help or encourage some change on. Enjoy.

  • The Phone: Ladies…keep your asses out of your mans phone! I know that seems crazy to say coming from another woman, but if you have a reason to go hunting through the phone, then you need to be in his face and not on his phone. When you go searching you are for sure gonna find something. It can be actually bad, or in some cases, out of context…and then you have just created issues in your marriage. Basically all I’m saying is that if you suspect something, don’t snoop. Observe, remember, and pounce. 
  • Checking Out Other Women: All men have eyes. Just because he’s with you doesn’t mean that his ass has suddenly gone blind. A bad b*tch is a bad b*tch no matter who sees her. Worry more about how your man is looking at you rather than him looking at other women. If he stops looking at you buts is constantly looking at other women…then you can worry. Until let him look at what he can’t touch without getting cut. Oh and for the record…you noticed that woman too…quit playing like you didn’t.
  • Going Out, Without You: I encourage my husband to have boys nights. Why? Because when he has boys nights…I have ALONE TIME! Both of us need to recharge, and sometimes being alone or out with the guys is the best way to do that. You do not need to be up under your man all the time. Y’all were two different people before getting together, and you are still two people. Not everything you do has to be done together. Let that man go out and vent to his boys and get his mind in check. Men who don’t go out are in the house looking for an out….and that leads to you checking his phone. Oh and for the record…the stripclub is not a bad place for him to go. It’s just another place for him to look at other women. 
  • The Once Upon A Cheater: OK so your man cheated on you once upon a time, but you took him back. But now you have trust issues right? I hate to tell you this sugar tits…but either you are gonna get over that sh*t and start building up your trust in your man and relationship, or you are gonna let that sh*t go. You cannot be happy one minute and mistrusting the next for the rest of y’all lives. That is emotional whiplash for you and him. Make a choice and stick to it. Being wishy-washy and acting crazy and judgmental all the time is not gon keep yo man. You made the decision to stay, so either play or pass.
  • SEX: Remember, what you wont do another woman will. I am not saying doing anything that you are truly uncomfortable with, but you should experiment with your man. As women we alllllll know that men watch porn, and porn breeds crazy ass fantasies and imaginations. Try some of the things out and even try out some things you may think of. Experimentation in relationships is never a bad thing. It can only bring you closer. Either you will both get a good laugh out of all of this, or it will be a great experience that you both enjoy. Being a prude and basic in the bedroom is never good for a relationship. I’m not saying that your spouse will cheat, but I am saying that they will get bored. 
  • Attitude: You’re a woman. Having an attitude from time to time is practically ingrained in our DNA. However, having an attitude with your man all the time…is ridiculous. You should not be mad at your man all the damn time. Yes they are irritating as f*ck sometimes…and make you contemplate how to get away with murder, but always being mad is unhealthy. Nobody wants a bitter woman, and I do mean nobody. I don’t even like hanging with women who I feel are bitter. It’s exhausting. If you have a problem with your spouse…speak the hell up! Don’t sit and let it fester until you blow up or end up getting left because of your stank ass attitude. There have been many women in this world who ended up single due to their bad attitude…don’t join that club.
  • Friends: Everyone has that one friend that their man doesn’t like. It’s fact. Now just because they don’t like them, doesn’t mean that you guys still can’t be friends. But what it does mean, is that you have to respect his opinion. Do not constantly have that one person you know your man doesn’t like around. That is just rude. You need to respect his opinions and feelings the same way he does yours. No need to get into a fight over something as dumb as someone else. You and him are in a relationship, not you, him, and your friend.
  • Money: This one is real simple. Don’t let money make your relationship. It doesn’t matter who makes what or how much. What matters is that the bills are paid and that you are both living comfortably…within your means. You don’t need his permission to spend money, and he doesn’t need yours. But…if there is a big-ticket item, aka anything over $300, that does need to be discussed. Neither one of you can make some lavish purchase without consulting the other first. Now obviously this excludes gifts for each other. Yes that seems crazy, and somewhat hypocritical, but if you are doing something nice or special for your honey…that’s ok. I’m sure they would understand, unless they explicitly told you otherwise.

Well those are all situations that I have helped other women through. This advice isn’t just limited to other wives, it is to all women in relationships. Let’s do better by being better ladies…that’s all I’m saying. 

Is there anything you want my opinion on? Is there any situation you want to share where you were the Olivia Pope of relationships? Just have something you want to say? If so let me know in the comments below?

 

*Toodles*

The Romance Quandry

Yesterday my husband and I were relaxing on the couch watching a movie, when I just randomly kissed him. The baby was sleep, so our innocent smooch turned into a teenage make-out session. It was fun, sexy, and sweet, until he spoke. What he said wasnt rude or hurtful, but it definitely got me thinking. After we were done he said “we haven’t done that since we were dating.” I was literally shocked. Keep in mind that we have been together for 9 years, and married for almost 4…so when he said this I was definitely taken aback. That got me thinking…had we been lacking in the romance department since getting married? Was it me or was it him? How do I fix this? So in an effort to help myself figure this out…I will share with everyone who reads this (hopefully there are still people who do lol), in order to work things out. Maybe it will even help you too.

We we were dating things were always kind hot and heavy. I mean it comes with the territory of being boyfriend and girlfriend, as well as being young and in college. Everything was fun and sporadic, and the responsibility level was low. (By that I mean in reference to being a student not being irresponsible sexually…neither of us were about that life lol) When we got engaged that just enhanced the hot and heavy. Something about knowing that someone wants you forever is super sexy I guess. And this hot and heaviness carried over into our first years of marriage as well…but now that I think about it, it started to die down around the time that we both got into our careers.

Transitioning from a dating college couple, to a married fresh out of college couple was easy enough…until jobs got in the way. We no longer had the same amount of free time that we once had. We had real life adult responsibilities that we didn’t completely have before such as paying bills and monitoring our time more effectively. There is no being late to work like we were for class on occasion, or just deciding not to go. No we had to get straight to adulting and making responsible choices. In the mist of all this I think we lost a portion of our fire, but not all of it. This was all due to timing and learning how to manage our new reality. Well then two years in…we get pregnant. Yes, this was a joyous thing and we were both excited, if not a little shocked because I was definitively on birth control lol, and thus another romance change was upon us.

Getting pregnant and having a baby changed a lot for us. I am in no ways saying that we didn’t get it on whilst my eggo was preggo, or that we weren’t romantic. We definitely did both, and he made me feel desired and sexy, even when I was accidentally peeing on myself or vomiting due to morning sickness. However once Bubs was here, things changed. We had even more on our plates, even though I wasnt working, and apart of that was the inclusion of me having a c-section. I can honestly say that having the c-section messed up my perception of myself, as I felt as though my body was ruined due to it. I don’t regret having the c-section because it gave me thee most perfect child ever, but it was hard to accept for me as a woman more so than me as a mom. Now that I have had time to talk to other moms my age and older, and deal with this, I realize that my body is not ruined it’s just not what im use to. It’s the same lovely in a different sized/shaped packing…but no matter what I am #sizesexy. 

Through all of theses changes, my husband and I started getting less and less lovey dovey I guess. I mean outside looking in you can see how often we touch each other or give kisses, but it wasnt like when we were dating. when we were dating it was like can’t keep your hands to yourself type stuff. I don’t know if that was because we were younger and more excited about being in a healthy and productive relationship that contributed to this, but now that I am looking back at it…I can see there was a difference. I miss that sh*t too. So in an effort to add some flames to our still burning fire…I have decided that I want to date my husband. Yup you read that right. I want to date my husband.

What this means is that I am going to use every opportunity that is available to me to kiss and low-key molest him in public lol. I will not worry about if the baby is awake or asleep, I will just make sure he can’t see the super inappropriate stuff. I can no longer let other outside factors interfere with my relationship like this. It isn’t that its bad, but i have come to realize that I have neglected my own libido…and that’s not f*ckin cool at all. I will now make a conscious effort to not always think with mom brain or adult brain, and just allow myself to think with my lower lady lips more often. Whats wrong with letting the love below lead you every once and awhile? Especially if it’s with your husband or significant other. You don’t have to pass the cookie around to use the jar if ya know what i mean. lol. 

Have you realized that your love life has lost some of its sizzle? Wanna talk about it? Feel free to leave it in the comments below.

 

*Toodles*

TF Thursday

Today I am in a bit of a mood. I am annoyed/irritated with so many things in my life right now, that its amazing I haven’t snapped. And no I am not talking about the ending up on WE TV kind of snapped…I’m talking about going on a rampage and cursing everyone one out type snapped. In an effort not to do this, I have decided to just vent here. So strap on your seat belts and shield your virgin eyes and reading ears…because sh*t is about to get real.

LIST OF CURRENT IRRITANTS

  1. When TF did we stop asking the lady of the house is sh*t was ok? Last time I checked all things should be run by the woman of the house to ensure she is comfortable with it. Yes the man of the house has a say…but his say ain’t the only one!
  2. Where TF all my wine? It’s one thing to drink 1 bottle, but 5?! And not to mention I haven’t got a drop of any of them. That’s just rude.
  3. Why is my house the “kick it” spot? Yes, I do live in a house I own, and not an apartment…but that does not automatically make my house the hang out spot. Take y’all asses elsewhere. 2 days are cool, but after that its excessive and intrusive.
  4. When did it become ok to eat all the food in my house? Yes you are visiting, but that doesn’t mean I’m feeding everyone who drops by. Those leftovers were supposed to be my lunch for work…but now I don’t have sh*t because everyone and they mama is eating my f*ckin food.
  5. Why TF don’t y’all have something better to do? I have a whole ass family that I love and live with and don’t want to see you everyday. Yes I know your bored…but there are other things you could do. Figure it out!
  6. Why TF do people have to be shady?! Just keep it real and stop trying to hide and get over on people. Karma is a bitch and you’re gonna get yours sooner rather than later. You tried to screw the wrong f*ckin one buddy. It’s on!
  7. Why TF do I feel like sh*t and I started my TOM early? It is so monumentally f*cked up that I am irritated by all of these outside factors, and then my body turns on me. C’mon dude! 
  8. When TF is the weather going to change so that I can be outside until the wee hours, gathering my calm and patience, without being cold?! I need the weather to get it together so that I can too.

Well there you have it folks. My lit of the most recent and frustrating irritants to date. I hope everyone else’s last week or so have gone better than mine or get better than mine…and i hope mine does too. Oh and feel free to vent in the comments below if you need to.

 

*Toodles*

Adult Jealousy

I have come to realize that once you reach adulthood, jealousy comes about. Now keep in mind that this jealousy is actually for functioning adults in society, and not the peter pans of the world who don’t want to grow up or get their sh*t together. Nope….those assholes don’t even remotely count because they don’t struggle like we do. This week I have come to realize that I am jealous of both my husband, and my former self. This sounds crazy af…but stick with me.

My husband is a teacher, which means he gets all the holidays and vacations known to man. My former self was a stay at home mommy, and a student. With both of those I had summers and vacations, already pre-made into my schedule. Now that I have a real adult job, I don’t get that. I just realized how bad this sucks, because my husband is currently on spring break. 

While he is at home relaxing and sleeping in, I am at work and adulting. The baby (who is now 2) is at school all day, so he literally has time to himself. I am so f*ckin jealous that he not only has a break, but that he has legit time to himself. Yes he can clean the house or run errands and do sh*t like that…but all of that is a choice. It can be done on his time, and take as long as he needs. (That is until I get home…it should be done before then lol)

I miss having breaks and vacations that I didn’t have to put in time for. Teachers and students have it f*cking made! They are living in the lap of vacation luxury! What I wouldn’t give to know that I had a whole month+ of freedom twice a year with week long breaks in between. I really took all that sh*t for granted when I had it, and for that I would like to apologize to my younger self. Lol.

Long story short, adult jealousy, in my case, is being jealous of those younger than me, or those with better holiday schedules than me. I don’t care about people who have fancy things or are constantly flaunting sh*t on social media. That is frivolous bs that has nothing to do with nothing. However, for those who are able to take looong vacations and spontaneous trips, because they can and not because they saved up time to do so, I am for sure jealous of them. I remember how nice that was, and therefore my jealousy is completely justified lol.

Oh and I would like to tell those people who I am jealous of, my husband included, that you suck! You can’t ever complain about anything work related, as you know that you will have a break from it on various times throughout the year. Quit complaining and enjoy your freedom. Before you know it, you will have to be like me and really adult. PTO is great…but that has to be pre-planned waaaay in advance, and having to request and save time takes out a lot of the excitement from it. Putting it simply…I just want to be irresponsible and still get my vacation. One can dream.

Do you have a case of Adult Jealousy? If so, what causes it? Let me know in the comments below.

 

*Toodles*

The Rule of Manners

I just realized I missed ALL of March! I swear this working mommy think is waaay harder than it looks lol.

It’s April and that means that it is my baby’s birthday month! He will be turning 2 on Friday and I am NOT ready for my baby to be a big boy. Ok…enough mushy gushy mommy crap. Now onto the real deal.

I have come to realize that there is a big difference between myself and others when it comes to manners. I am not referring to covering your mouth when you cough/sneeze, No. I am referring to common sense and courtesy manners. I swear I feel like the things I know to be and not to be ok, some people have no f*cking concept of. And what’s worse is that when i comment on it, they get an attitude with me like I’ve done something wrong.

Now please don’t think I run around in life correcting everyone for everything. I don’t have that kind of time nor do I truly care enough to do that to everyone. But those people who I deal with regularly, or those who just do some sort of egregious violation of manners, I most definitely say something. In my opinion it is better to let someone know what is not okay with you, than to just tolerate the f*ckery. I shouldn’t have to be irritated with your actions if I have the option of letting you know what I think about them.

I already know that some people disagree with this idea, or the way that i function in general, but honestly I don’t care. It has gotten me by for years, and I trust my own methods lol. But just for the sake of arguing both sides, I am going to give a scenario that I recently encountered that I was NOT OK with, and said something about.

Picture it! You are at a dinner table with a group of mixed company. Some are friends, some are acquaintances, and the others you are just meeting. Now imagine you have all finished your meals, and your drinks, and are now just chit-chatting enjoying the environment and company. The server comes to the table and asks are we ok, and if you would like the bill. In this moment, one of the people who IS your friend, but invited the other acquaintances and new faces leans over the table to make a statement. That statement, along with the body language to demonstrate what she is about to say, is that she is going to pay for everyone but you and your other friend. *insert sideeye and eye roll here*

So riddle me this…what would you do? If you are anything like me…its time to check a b*tch! Now I’m not suggesting you do exactly what I do, which is ask her what in the entire f*ck is wrong with her, but I do think you should say something. Why do I think that, because that sh*t is NOT ok! So after the aforementioned statement of WTF, I simply asked her why she would do something so rude. I understand that you want to pay for some people, but don;t ever in your life disrespect me or anyone like you just did. That was the ultimate display of no manners. It was worse than people talking about something in front of you that you either don’t know about, or wasn’t invited to. It’s rude as f*ck and should never be done. 

All in all, I feel that manners are about discretion and respect. You need to exercise discretion in certain situations, and you also need to respect that others aren’t going to accept everything you do. Yes you may or may not know that something isn’t ok, but if you are told by someone who isn’t, use your discretion from then on out. Moral of the story here…manners are mandatory even though common sense isn’t common. Let that sink in lol.

Has someone every done something to you or in your presence that you felt was not ok and a bad display of manners? Let me know in the comments below.

*Toodles*

Mommy Monday: Things I Miss

Here is a list of the things that I miss, from BEFORE I had a baby. Feel free to add what you miss in the comments below.

  • My Flat Stomach: Yes this is the obvious one, but let’s be real. No matter how hard you work out and good you eat, that mom belly is never gonna be as snatched as it once was. Yes it may be flat and yes you may get abs…but there will always be something you do like as it was never there prior to your baby. (Sidenote: for you “fit mommies who snapped back extra great…your a freak of nature and obviously never eat good food lol)  
  • Breasts WITHOUT a Mind of Their Own: I swear my boobs have no f*cking idea what they want to do anymore. Do they wanna sit high? Do they want to sit low? Do they want to be in a bra today? Do they wanna roam free even if I put them in a bra? Do they even like me? There are soooo many questions when it comes to your new mom boobs, and this is at any size. I have rather large boobs (which never shrank back down after stopping breastfeeding #FML), and I swear it is a day-to-day thing on how they will act. I need titty cooperation damnit!
  • Hips that Lie: Remember how Shakira told us that the “hips don’t lie”??? Well they use to! I remember when I could wear a pair of jeans/pants/leggings and look f*cking amazeballs, no matter what the color or style. Now with these here mom hips…no such luck. I will put on pants and look like a damn umpa lumpa if they aren’t the right cut. There is no hiding anything anymore. I mean you could always get those high wasted mom jeans that give you a flat ass…but NO ONE wants that. I can’t have my curves looking like full-blown turns, which is why I need my hips to start lying to me again.
  • Naps: Yes! I know when you read that you gave a sad sigh. It’s OK…I feel your pain. I remember when I could sleep on the weekends past 7am and nap at will because I had the time. Now nap is like torture. Why is it torture you ask? Well it’s because you spend the entire nap listening out for your kid, because they may need you. Mind you…your kid might be sleep, or not even with you, but the nap is still interrupted by your mommy instincts.  It’s so not fair!
  • Free-Time/Hobbies: Remember when you had spare time to do the things you liked? Those were the good ol days huh? I miss being able to play around and do things for me…with not a care in the world for time or responsibilities. Being able to put all your responsibilities on hold for however long because you know you would have PLENTY of time to get back to them. Yea…those were the times. Not anymore though. Now it’s keeping a strictly flexible schedule of everything you have to do for everyone else. The free-time you had to do the things you like is no more. Now you have to worry about if you managed to get everything done…just so you can sleep at night, WITHOUT dreaming about all the sh*t you didn’t get done. 
  • Spontaneous Sex: You know you were thinking it! This is completely self-explanatory, and I am pretty sure I’ve talked about this in a previous post…but it’s worth mentioning again lol. All of us mamas miss getting it in whenever and wherever…not getting it in where it fits in. Quickies are only fun if they are inappropriate…not when they are due to someone interrupting. 
  • Privacy: Nothing I have own, or use, is limited to just being mine. My child seems to think that wherever I go…he can too. I miss being able to do personal things in peace. It is hard to use the restroom with someone staring at you or running back and forth to give me kisses or laugh hysterically. I miss being able to spend time doing private things…in private…without interruption.
  • A Clean House: Need I say more? My name ain’t Molly and i surely am no maid…so cleaning is NOT my official job. As for it being my unofficial job…clearly it is…and im ready to quit that sh*t.

There will be a second post regarding this topic…stay tuned.

 

*Toodles*

Woman Wednesday: Moving Too Fast

YAAAAAY! Woman Wednesday is back lol! I am so proud of myself for doing this today lol. Now onto the fun.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and I have seen soooo much bullsh*t. Yea that’s right, I’m calling people on their sh*t. Sadly, most of the people guilty of said bullsh*t, are women. I am not sure why women use a commercialized holiday to do waaaaaay too much, with the hopes of something greater. Let me explain.

Women and valentine’s day are like water and soap. Sh*t is either gonna bubble up into an uncontrollable mess, or you do just enough and it’s perfect. By this I mean some women go over the top, and some women don’t. But it’s the women who go over the top that are the real problem with this “holiday,” and they are always the ones who have only been dating the man for 6-8 months. *insert sideye here*

It truly makes no sense to buy someone, whom you have only been dating for a limited amount of time, and $100+ gift. Please don’t get me wrong…I am not saying you shouldn’t get them a gift. What I am saying is that you should get something reasonable. By reasonable I mean something that is under $50. I know some of you are probably thinking that I’m cheap for that, but you can for sure make an epic gift for under $50. It’s about the thought not the price.

Women who go all out and buy shoes with the matching outfits for someone, whom they have only been dating for a short time, are in for an upset. This upset will come from when they either break up with the boyfriend, or don’t get something they feel is equivalent to what they gave. Over gifting is moving too fast, and moving too fast is a relationship killer.

In most successful relationships, there is a balance of movement. This means that each person in the relationship is moving at the same pace. There can’t be one person that is going at light speed, and the other is going at a regular to slow snails pace. It just wont work out. There will never be a proper balance within the relationship if one person is pushing too hard while the other is coasting. 

So bottom line ladies…please stop making something out of slivers. Yes I know the saying is “something out of nothing,” but if you are in some sort of relationship…no matter how new or small, it is a snippet of what could be your happy ever after. Take it from a married young woman, you don’t have to move to fast to get to the finish line. If you do you will just be upset in the long run, and miss all the fun and f*ckery in between.

What do you think of this post? Leave it in the comments below.

 

*Toodles*