Woman Wednesday: Relationship Absorbtion

The other day I was thinking in some spare time (aka hiding in the bathroom pretending to use it for a moment of peace lol) about relationships. If you’re a regular here, you know that I’m married. If you’re new here…well now you know lol. So my thoughts about relationships were how women are viewed. To me, it feels like there are a plethora of things that people believe about women in general, especially once you become a mom and a wife, and sometimes it can get overwhelming. I truly think that what others believe…can sometimes lead us women to partial madness and it’s not f*ckin fair! In the spirit of sharing, I will talk about the #1 thing that pisses me off, when it comes to others beliefs about women and our relationships.

Are you married or in a serious committed relationship? Do you want to be? Well please listen to what I have to say about relationships and womanhood. When you are in a relationship people automatically stop viewing you as an individual. Please note that I said you, and not Y’all. Your spouse (esp if it’s a man) is still an individual, but you somehow you morph into a part of him. I can’t say that I am sure why this is, but I can say that it is pretty damn obvious at times. The most obvious of times being when you want to make plans or you’re going out.

Going out with or without your spouse is something that everyone should do. It’s fun with them, and its fun without them, depending on the situation. And let’s be honest, we all need a break from our spouse every now and then. If you dont…your probably bat sh*t crazy and should get your head checked out lol. As a woman, have you ever noticed that when you tell someone you’re going out they either ask you one of the following things:

  • “OMG! You can come?”
  • “Is your man/woman cool with it?”
  • “Are you gonna bring them too?”
  • “How long can you stay out?”
  • “Are you sure you wanna go?”

All of these statements have one thing in common…PERMISSION!! When the f*ck did I start aging backyards and turn into a child again?! Better yet when the f*ck did my man become my mama?! The answer is I DIDN’T and he DIDN’T! I don’t need my man to be there with me, nor do I need him to greenlight ANYTHING I do! My vagina doesn’t make me weak and in need of decisions making help. It makes me mighty. Why does it make me mighty? Because the love below (aka your southern lady lips) is the only force in the world that can bleed, stretch, snapback, grow something, be strong and sexy at the same time, and entice people to wanna play with it…all without effort or complaint. #P*ssyPower

But let’s flip this scenario, and look at it as if we were a man. When your man goes out…that’s it. No one asks him anything, questions if it’s cool with you (unless your crazy and Y’all have a few problems), and it’s just assumed that all is well and ok. Wtf!?!!? How is that even remotely fair? I get questioned to no end as a woman, but as a man, my husband is just free to do as he pleases no muss no fuss. That’s some sexist double standard misogynistic f*ckery…and society has created it.

So basically in a nutshell what people are telling us, women, is that we are to allow ourselves to be absorbed into our relationships. We can’t do things without some sort of twisted permission from our partners, and if we do that we are a “good woman.” Again I say that’s bullsh*t!!!! My husband consults me on his outings just like I consult him. Neither of us is seeking permission, but rather making sure there’s someone to stay with our kid!!! It was like this before we had kids, and it’ll stay this way!

Women do not have to allow ourselves to be absorbed into our relationships so much so that other people think they need to backcheck our whereabouts. Just STOP it!!!! We were individuals before our relationships…and guess what…we will be individuals during and in some cases after our relationships. Being a couple does not and should not define who you are as a person. Yes, some women allow that or even condone it, but I feel as though it’s more so a societal norm that they are trying to satisfy, versus an actual preference. Well NOT ME! I am happy to be me just as happy as I am to be with my man, and I can do both without losing myself.

Do u agree or disagree with this post? Wanna add some thought and opinions. Feel free to leave it in the comments below.

*Huggies & Hi-Fives*

Wife Wednesday: Support System Shutdown

Have you ever thought to yourself “damn I don’t wanna do this sh*t”? If you’re a wife or a spouse in general…I’m sure you have. Sometimes I hate having to be supportive. That’s right…I said it! And don’t get judgy on me my dear because you were thinking it or have thought it! In feeling this way, I have come to realize that if we as wives/spouses were to EVER decided we were over being supportive…sh*t would get real. Here is my theory.

My husband is a JC Football coach. He does football 6 days a week. This means that I am the support system for football…for 6 days a week. This support includes but is not limited to:

  • Going to games
  • Occasionally going to practice
  • Commenting on games and practice (which means actually paying attention)
  • Dealing with him being out late on work weeks (and by late I mean 8/9pm)
  • Having to fit in “US” time around his schedule (he does film analysis at home too)
  • Having to fit in “ME” time around his schedule (and yes I think that’s some f*ckery)
  • Trying to plan family things around games and practice
  • Dealing with my son constantly asking “where daddy mommy” or “I want my daddy.”

The list of things goes on and on, but those are the primary support needs of my husband and his football life. I love my husband. I love football. I love that he loves coaching football. However…I do not love having to adjust my whole f*cking life around his love just so that I can be supportive! Let me tell you about my dream.

My dream is that my husband, who is very supportive of me, will be supportive of me not wanting to support him. Or better yet be, be supportive of me wanting to do things JUST FOR ME more often. Now please don’t misinterpret this as me saying my husband is selfish, he is definitely NOT that. But what I am saying is that men tend to get way more wrapped up in what they want to do, that they don’t realize their other half isn’t getting to do things for them as often.I want to be able to go out with the girls on a

I want to be able to go out with the girls on short notice WITHOUT having to arrange things with him or for the baby. I find that it is easier for my husband to go out and do what he wants to do at the last-minute than it is for me to do it. He just automatically assumes that I will handle everything because he knows I’m his support system. To that I say bullsh*t! I am tired of being the go to and the fallback plan. I wanna be the spur of the moment one in my marriage. And I’m not asking for much. just a week to a month of me not having to worry about all the details or scheduling and just do/go. But alas… I know that probably won’t happen, as I have already set a precedent in my relationship that I am the support system. what the f*ck was I thinking? LOL

Are you the support system for your spouse? Are you tired of it? Feel free to leave why you are, or in some cases maybe aren’t, tired of it in the comments below.

 

*Toodles* 

Woman Wednesday: Boyfriend Blowoff

I received a question from one of my followers (shout out to you for following and asking btw) and I felt like it was a good blog topic for Woman Wednesday. Here is her question:

How can I get my friend back?! I have a 2 really good friends I’ve met in grad school (people would call us the three musketeers). Recently one of the members of our squad got into a serious relationship… she basically just forgot all about us! We’ve met her boyfriend (they have a long history with each other), but he doesn’t seem to take a liking to us. We want her to realize that he is taking up all of her life. How can we get her back, and still be happy in her relationship. We don’t want to seem like we’re hating on her and her man. Help us Ms. Pope!

Ok so first things first. It’s good that you have tried to figure out a way to talk to her before actually approaching her. That could be all bad, as you would be going off emotion only and inevitably end up in some sort of awkward or angry exchange. You don’t want to lose a friend over a boy…ever. The first thing I would suggest is evaluating your friendship with this girl. This may sound harsh but not all friendships are forever, and if she can drop your guys to the side that easily you may want to reevaluate. If you choose to go through with this then here is my thoughts on the situation.

Some women have a tendency to get wrapped up in their relationships. So much so that they forget who they are and lose themselves in their partner. To me, this is crazy, but it happens very often. What you have to realize is that women like your friend are searching for something that you can’t give her, and neither can a man, but he can work as a filler. She is looking for a purpose or a feeling that only she can create, but a man is a good distraction for that. He is in some way validating what she is unsure/insecure about. As unfortunate as that is, it isn’t something that you can change for or about her. 

What you need to do for her is point out how you don’t ever see her any more and that when you do it seems to be because her dude is busy or away. That goes to show that there is a disconnect somewhere in her life where she doesn’t do the things she use to do because she is in a relationship. You should also let her know that you guys miss her, and just because she is no longer single, doesn’t mean that she can’t kick it with y’all anymore. Do not say anything negative about her dude or her choices! “I” statements will work best here so she can try to see things from your perspective. If you guys are getting through to her, she will apologize and make a conscious effort to spend more time with you guys. If you are not getting through to her…she will probably tell you something along the lines of “you guys just don’t understand,” or some simple-minded sh*t like. Then feel free to remind her that just because you are not currently in a relationship, doesn’t mean you haven’t been and therefore don’t understand. Her relationship just isn’t that special…no one’s is.

Now to this little boy who doesn’t like who guys. He don’t have to like you and you don’t have to like him. As long as there is mutual respect of one another for the mutual parties sake. And it sounds to me like he may not like you guys because you take her away from him, and if that’s the case…she has a bigger problem than shunning her friends. You don’t have to interact with him, just be cordial and keep it pushing. Y’all don’t have to be friends with him to be her friend. But if you like, you could offer to go out to grab something to eat and have him there as well and see what his problem with you guys is in front of her. No need to be hostile or combative, just use the “I” statement method. No matter what you guys will come out looking like you are just feeling some type of way about the situation of not seeing her, and not about her having a sh*tty and all-consuming relationship.

I hope what I have said helped you, and any other person who has a friend like yours.

If you have any more questions, need clarification, or just wanna add some sh*t about this…feel free to leave it in the comments below.

*Toodles*