Woman Wednesday: Boyfriend Blowoff

I received a question from one of my followers (shout out to you for following and asking btw) and I felt like it was a good blog topic for Woman Wednesday. Here is her question:

How can I get my friend back?! I have a 2 really good friends I’ve met in grad school (people would call us the three musketeers). Recently one of the members of our squad got into a serious relationship… she basically just forgot all about us! We’ve met her boyfriend (they have a long history with each other), but he doesn’t seem to take a liking to us. We want her to realize that he is taking up all of her life. How can we get her back, and still be happy in her relationship. We don’t want to seem like we’re hating on her and her man. Help us Ms. Pope!

Ok so first things first. It’s good that you have tried to figure out a way to talk to her before actually approaching her. That could be all bad, as you would be going off emotion only and inevitably end up in some sort of awkward or angry exchange. You don’t want to lose a friend over a boy…ever. The first thing I would suggest is evaluating your friendship with this girl. This may sound harsh but not all friendships are forever, and if she can drop your guys to the side that easily you may want to reevaluate. If you choose to go through with this then here is my thoughts on the situation.

Some women have a tendency to get wrapped up in their relationships. So much so that they forget who they are and lose themselves in their partner. To me, this is crazy, but it happens very often. What you have to realize is that women like your friend are searching for something that you can’t give her, and neither can a man, but he can work as a filler. She is looking for a purpose or a feeling that only she can create, but a man is a good distraction for that. He is in some way validating what she is unsure/insecure about. As unfortunate as that is, it isn’t something that you can change for or about her. 

What you need to do for her is point out how you don’t ever see her any more and that when you do it seems to be because her dude is busy or away. That goes to show that there is a disconnect somewhere in her life where she doesn’t do the things she use to do because she is in a relationship. You should also let her know that you guys miss her, and just because she is no longer single, doesn’t mean that she can’t kick it with y’all anymore. Do not say anything negative about her dude or her choices! “I” statements will work best here so she can try to see things from your perspective. If you guys are getting through to her, she will apologize and make a conscious effort to spend more time with you guys. If you are not getting through to her…she will probably tell you something along the lines of “you guys just don’t understand,” or some simple-minded sh*t like. Then feel free to remind her that just because you are not currently in a relationship, doesn’t mean you haven’t been and therefore don’t understand. Her relationship just isn’t that special…no one’s is.

Now to this little boy who doesn’t like who guys. He don’t have to like you and you don’t have to like him. As long as there is mutual respect of one another for the mutual parties sake. And it sounds to me like he may not like you guys because you take her away from him, and if that’s the case…she has a bigger problem than shunning her friends. You don’t have to interact with him, just be cordial and keep it pushing. Y’all don’t have to be friends with him to be her friend. But if you like, you could offer to go out to grab something to eat and have him there as well and see what his problem with you guys is in front of her. No need to be hostile or combative, just use the “I” statement method. No matter what you guys will come out looking like you are just feeling some type of way about the situation of not seeing her, and not about her having a sh*tty and all-consuming relationship.

I hope what I have said helped you, and any other person who has a friend like yours.

If you have any more questions, need clarification, or just wanna add some sh*t about this…feel free to leave it in the comments below.


Ask Ashley: Dating Dilemmas

Question: What are some of the “warning” signs you should look for when you start dating a man.  How can you get his attention, without being to obvious…?

Response: Dating is a tricky thing. It is super simple, but at the same time it’s as complicated as getting a square peg into a round hole. The first thing you need to decide is, what is YOUR definition of a relationship. For the sake of this post, I’m going to assume that your definition of dating, comes with exclusivity  (like most women’s do). 

If you’re dating someone, there is a plethora of warning signs that the sh*t just isn’t gonna work out. I’ll list my top 4 (in no particular order):

  • The Mamas Boy: If he is constantly talking about his mom…pay close attention. There is a HUGE difference between having mama love, and having mamaidis. Mama love is a man who has learned a lot from his mother, and therefore developed a strong healthy respect for women. Mamaidis is when his mom is his bff and everything he does revolves around her. One thing you can’t do is compete with his mom for his attention. And more than likely, he’s gonna be the kinda dude who wants you to be another mama figure and take care of him. #HellNo  Not only is that f*ckin creepy, but it’s a losing situation that he doesn’t see anything wrong with.
  • The Borrower: Any man who constantly asks you to borrow stuff…is a no go! This man will borrow anything from a dollar, your car, to your social security # if he feels like he “needs it.” This dude is a selfish as hell, and not worth your time.
  • The Favor Guy: I’m sorry, but any person that is constantly asking me for a favor is just annoying. “Do me a favor,” is something that should be asked some of the time…not all the damn time! This is the guy who will constantly ask for favors, because he’s a lazy ass for not doing sh*t for himself…just lazy. I don’t live in the land of f*ckery, flowers, and favors like you do….and surely don’t want to.
  • The Hoverer: This is the guy who always has to be near you or touching you. At first this may seem super cool, and like he cares for you soooooo much. He may want to go everywhere with you, do everything with you, and always want to know what you’re doing. But that care can quickly turn into crazy. You gotta make sure you lay out some personal boundaries, and be sure to keep some things private. If doesn’t like that you’re doing that…his crazy may start showing…and it’s time he hit the bricks

Now I know I went on rather long about the list of “hell no he gotta go”dudes, but that’s because the 2nd part of your question is simple. Don’t try to catch their attention. Being  you should be enough to grab a guys attention. If it’s not enough for him…he’s not worth your time. Your beautiful and desirable as you are, so don’t change yourself for anyone. You only need to get out there and “show em you’re a tiger” lol. Hope this helped.