Mommy Monday: Things I Miss

Here is a list of the things that I miss, from BEFORE I had a baby. Feel free to add what you miss in the comments below.

  • My Flat Stomach: Yes this is the obvious one, but let’s be real. No matter how hard you work out and good you eat, that mom belly is never gonna be as snatched as it once was. Yes it may be flat and yes you may get abs…but there will always be something you do like as it was never there prior to your baby. (Sidenote: for you “fit mommies who snapped back extra great…your a freak of nature and obviously never eat good food lol)  
  • Breasts WITHOUT a Mind of Their Own: I swear my boobs have no f*cking idea what they want to do anymore. Do they wanna sit high? Do they want to sit low? Do they want to be in a bra today? Do they wanna roam free even if I put them in a bra? Do they even like me? There are soooo many questions when it comes to your new mom boobs, and this is at any size. I have rather large boobs (which never shrank back down after stopping breastfeeding #FML), and I swear it is a day-to-day thing on how they will act. I need titty cooperation damnit!
  • Hips that Lie: Remember how Shakira told us that the “hips don’t lie”??? Well they use to! I remember when I could wear a pair of jeans/pants/leggings and look f*cking amazeballs, no matter what the color or style. Now with these here mom hips…no such luck. I will put on pants and look like a damn umpa lumpa if they aren’t the right cut. There is no hiding anything anymore. I mean you could always get those high wasted mom jeans that give you a flat ass…but NO ONE wants that. I can’t have my curves looking like full-blown turns, which is why I need my hips to start lying to me again.
  • Naps: Yes! I know when you read that you gave a sad sigh. It’s OK…I feel your pain. I remember when I could sleep on the weekends past 7am and nap at will because I had the time. Now nap is like torture. Why is it torture you ask? Well it’s because you spend the entire nap listening out for your kid, because they may need you. Mind you…your kid might be sleep, or not even with you, but the nap is still interrupted by your mommy instincts.  It’s so not fair!
  • Free-Time/Hobbies: Remember when you had spare time to do the things you liked? Those were the good ol days huh? I miss being able to play around and do things for me…with not a care in the world for time or responsibilities. Being able to put all your responsibilities on hold for however long because you know you would have PLENTY of time to get back to them. Yea…those were the times. Not anymore though. Now it’s keeping a strictly flexible schedule of everything you have to do for everyone else. The free-time you had to do the things you like is no more. Now you have to worry about if you managed to get everything done…just so you can sleep at night, WITHOUT dreaming about all the sh*t you didn’t get done. 
  • Spontaneous Sex: You know you were thinking it! This is completely self-explanatory, and I am pretty sure I’ve talked about this in a previous post…but it’s worth mentioning again lol. All of us mamas miss getting it in whenever and wherever…not getting it in where it fits in. Quickies are only fun if they are inappropriate…not when they are due to someone interrupting. 
  • Privacy: Nothing I have own, or use, is limited to just being mine. My child seems to think that wherever I go…he can too. I miss being able to do personal things in peace. It is hard to use the restroom with someone staring at you or running back and forth to give me kisses or laugh hysterically. I miss being able to spend time doing private things…in private…without interruption.
  • A Clean House: Need I say more? My name ain’t Molly and i surely am no maid…so cleaning is NOT my official job. As for it being my unofficial job…clearly it is…and im ready to quit that sh*t.

There will be a second post regarding this topic…stay tuned.



Woman Wednesday: Moving Too Fast

YAAAAAY! Woman Wednesday is back lol! I am so proud of myself for doing this today lol. Now onto the fun.

Yesterday was Valentine’s Day, and I have seen soooo much bullsh*t. Yea that’s right, I’m calling people on their sh*t. Sadly, most of the people guilty of said bullsh*t, are women. I am not sure why women use a commercialized holiday to do waaaaaay too much, with the hopes of something greater. Let me explain.

Women and valentine’s day are like water and soap. Sh*t is either gonna bubble up into an uncontrollable mess, or you do just enough and it’s perfect. By this I mean some women go over the top, and some women don’t. But it’s the women who go over the top that are the real problem with this “holiday,” and they are always the ones who have only been dating the man for 6-8 months. *insert sideye here*

It truly makes no sense to buy someone, whom you have only been dating for a limited amount of time, and $100+ gift. Please don’t get me wrong…I am not saying you shouldn’t get them a gift. What I am saying is that you should get something reasonable. By reasonable I mean something that is under $50. I know some of you are probably thinking that I’m cheap for that, but you can for sure make an epic gift for under $50. It’s about the thought not the price.

Women who go all out and buy shoes with the matching outfits for someone, whom they have only been dating for a short time, are in for an upset. This upset will come from when they either break up with the boyfriend, or don’t get something they feel is equivalent to what they gave. Over gifting is moving too fast, and moving too fast is a relationship killer.

In most successful relationships, there is a balance of movement. This means that each person in the relationship is moving at the same pace. There can’t be one person that is going at light speed, and the other is going at a regular to slow snails pace. It just wont work out. There will never be a proper balance within the relationship if one person is pushing too hard while the other is coasting. 

So bottom line ladies…please stop making something out of slivers. Yes I know the saying is “something out of nothing,” but if you are in some sort of relationship…no matter how new or small, it is a snippet of what could be your happy ever after. Take it from a married young woman, you don’t have to move to fast to get to the finish line. If you do you will just be upset in the long run, and miss all the fun and f*ckery in between.

What do you think of this post? Leave it in the comments below.



Black Woman Rules

So it has been awhile since I have posted, sorry I have been MIA. Life has been craaaaaazy busy and honestly blogging was the LAST thing on my mind. But here I am today in all my glory, and I think I have figured out a schedule for doing this more productively. Now…on to the topic at hand.

Recently I was in a situation where something happened, and it was like a violation of my melanin richness. By this I am referring to the universal unspoken rules of being a black woman. I know some people may not know this…but there are rules that most of us abide by, and more importantly, expect others to do so as well. So because of this situation. I have decided to make a list of my top “Black Woman Rules,” so that if you ever need them, you now have the knowledge. 

Rule #1: NEVER touch a black woman’s hair! Yes, it is true that we do a lot of things with our hair. For example I change my hair into a new hairstyle once every two weeks, if not once a week. That means that I am pretty much a different person every week…and I love…and so do other people. However, if you are of the “other” people, you are not allowed to touch my damn hair! The ONLY person that is allowed to touch my hair is me, my mom, my man, and my cosmetologist when I see her. Putting your hands in my hair is liable to get you elbowed in the throat.

Rule #2: Don’t ask if my hair is real! If you saw me yesterday with a bob, and then today with hair down to my butt…do you think I grew that sh*t overnight?! The answer to that is hell no! Obviously I have added some hair in, and I don’t need you asking me about it. Oh and for the record…if I bought it…it is f*cking mine. Period.

Rule #3: Do not comment on my complexion! I am a beautiful melanin goddess…and I f*ckin know it! I don’t need you to tell me that. Not to mention it’s weird and makes you seem kinda racist. And I know that you’re probably thinking that I am talking only about non-blacks…but I’m not. I mean everyone. The ONLY time it is ok to mention the color/tone of my skin is if I am talking about it, or we are discussing foundation. Most black women HATE when people make a big f*ckin deal about our color. I don’t need anyone else’s validation on the beauty of my skin.

Rule # 4: Do not tell me how to parent my child in public! As a black parent, we believe in DISCIPLINE. Now I am not judging you on how you parent your kid..but I can guarantee you that if mine were to fall out or try to have a tantrum in public…he’s getting popped. I am not gonna have my  child acting like billy bad ass in public just because you don’t like seeing me discipline him. Oh and if you say something about what and how I’m disciplining my son…you can be next. Trust and believe I have enough whoop ass left for you, as my kid is only getting popped. Try me boo!

Rule #5: Don’t pronounce my name “ghetto.” My name is Ashley. Its plain, simple, and very common. I am pretty sure there is no other way to say my name, other than the normal way. However, because I am black, people tend to want to pronounce my name is some “ghetto” ass way. Yes there are some black people with admittedly colorful and creative names…but I ain’t one of them. Say my name the way you read it, and don’t “black it up.”

Rule #6: Don’t ask me to twerk or dance! I don’t know what it is with people, but they always assume that all black women can do all the latest dances. Granted….that is true a majority of the time, but it doesn’t mean we are your personal entertainment. I don’t twerk in public..only in private for my man. The only time it’s appropriate to ask a black woman to twerk for you…is if she’s finished sliding down the pole and collecting her money. Any other time you wanna see someone do that…google/youtube that sh*t.

Well there you have it folks. Those are SOME of the Black Woman Rules to live by. I can almost guarantee that if you ask any black woman about any rule I have laid out…she will agree with me. 

Curious about anything regarding Black Woman Rules or want to add to the list? Leave it in the comments below.