The title to this blog is weird I know. But trust me when I say that you will understand and agree with me once I am done. Like many women, I have a sh*t ton of clothing. Different shirts, skirts, dresses, shoes, and PANTS. I’m a big fan of having all kinds of pants, in all kinds of colors and styles. BUT…what I am not a fan of, is wearing something on my behind that doesn’t fit or look cute. I feel that a lot of women are offenders of this ridiculous sh*t…and it needs to STOP IMMEDIATELY!
There are many factors as to why a certain type of pant isn’t for you. One of the number one reason of why a pair of pants isn’t for you, is that they don’t f*ckin fit. If your pants look like they are eating your oochiecoochie…they don’t fit. If they look like you’ve messed yourself, in the front or back, with that saggy crotch look…they don’t fit! I am sick to death of seeing camel foot (yes foot because toe implies small and some of these hefas are just over the top with it) and booboo butt. If you think that you look good and you have either one of these things going on…ima need you to collect your entire life. No one wants top see that.
Outside of pants being ill-fitting, there is the material problem. This is going to sound mean but spandex is made equal…people aren’t. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t wear leggings or items such as that. What I am saying is that if you do, make sure you get your f*cking size. One size fits all/most is a suggestion not a law. If you put on a pair of leggings, and you can see your skin or underwear through them…they don’t fit! That is not sexy either. I know that some people swear that men love them for that reason, but only pervy creepers like to look at women’s asses through their see through pants. I’m sure no woman really wants THAT kind of attention lol. Make sure the material you wear actually covers your goodies the proper way please. Thanks.
The next thing on the list is pattern and prints. This is probably the one that 9/10 women violate. Lets start with anything that has lines. Horizontal lines do NOT make ANYONE look slim. Instead you look like a circus tent turn sideways after a storm. For the love of Gucci…please stop with the damn horizontal striped leggings. The other thing that is commonly misused is animal print. *signs and rolls eyes towards the sky* Please stop. Only animals should wear their prints. You look a damn fool, and that does not highlight your sexy at all. Please don’t think im body shaming either. I am merely pointing out that the reason animals wear prints is because they were born that way. Whichever way you were born (big, little, skinny, cruvalicious, short, tall) it is lovely…but don’t put a damn animal on your behind. No man looks at animal print and thinks “damn that’s a sexy ass cheetah/zebra.” No what he thinks is damn her as looks big in that print, and not in a good way. Sorry not sorry, but prints do nothing for no one when it comes to being worn as pants.
So overall, the Protocol of Pants is pretty simple.
- Wear the right damn size.
- Spandex isn’t skin so don’t wear it like a second one.
- Animal prints are meant for animals, unless looking like a wide load is your thing (do you boo)
I hope that this helps some of you women who violate the protocol, or at least made you consider if you are. Again I’m not body shaming…I’m pant shaming. People are unique…pants are common. Don’t be a basic b*tch because you make bad pant choices. Follow the protocol and you will be OK and able to shine in all your fabulosity. You’re welcome.
Is there a clothing protocol that you would like me to talk about. If so, leave it in the comments below.