Makeup vs. Fakeup

It’s been awhile, but I’m back with a new video…FINALLY! Makeup has been a topic of conversation for me and my friends for some time now, and I just had to share my thought with y’all. Enjoy, and feel free to comment below.

 

*Toodles*

P.M.S.

Yup. The time has finally come. we’re going to talk about T.O.M (time of month). I have soooo much to say about this topic. So let’s get right to it.

I honestly have a love/hate relationship with my T.O.M. I love when it comes, because it ensures me that there are no babies brewing in my brewery, and I hate it…for many reasons. The main reason not even being that I am shedding the lining of my uterus. No, I hate it because during the whole time, 5-7 days, I NEVER feel clean! As a woman, feeling like we aren’t clean is the worst feeling EVER. So you can only imagine, if you’re not a woman who is, what feeling dirty for a whole f*ckin week can do to you mental state. Due to this, I really feel like PMS isn’t what people claim it is. Our hormones are not imbalanced to the point of partial psychosis, and we are not moody. P.M.S stands for Provisional Messy State.

When you are in your Provisional Messy State you don’t give a f*ck about anything or anyone. Everything in your life, at the moment, is completely and utterly f*cked up. Your clothes don’t fit, you feel dirty, your skin and hair are all jacked, and you are literally always or never hungry. And we won’t even get into the aches and pains. #KillMeNow Yes, this is only a temporary state of being, and it is awful. No matter what we do, or how good we look, the picture just never completely comes together for us. We are indeed a MESS during the T.O.M.

To add to this mess, there is not a woman in history who starts her cycle and thinks “let me cook and clean.” *insert blank face then eye roll here* No. We want to sit at home on the couch, ignore all cleaning duties, and eat anything that doesn’t involve the stove or oven. What does this lead to? That’s right you guessed it, a messy ass house. So now we are a physical mess, a partial mental mess (because being physically gross drives us crazy), and now the house has the audacity not to clean itself. It sucks major salty balls. Oh and don’t think we just sit there and accept the messiness that it our homes. Nope, that would be too much like right. To add to our mental messiness, we are constantly going over what needs to be done in the house. I’m sure every woman ever has looked at her house on her cycle and thought:

  • “Ugh…I wish I had a maid.”
  • “Nah, I should just get up and clean this sh*t up myself.”
  • “Nope! I don’t feel like it and I’m finally comfortable so f*ck it, I’ll do it later.”
  • “I’m just gonna take a nap, and maybe get a snack when I wake up.”

Am I right? I am more than positive that I am. And if you are one of those women who do like to cook and clean when T.O.M’s in town…kudos to you. You’re the real MVP.

Men have it easy because they don’t have to go through all of this. Yes they have to deal with us when we do, but you can not compare living it to watching it. Sh*t just doesn’t add up.

Do you agree with my definition of P.M.S? If so/not let me know in the comments below.

 

*Toodles*

 

Parental Progress

Yesterday was a successful mommy day for me. If you have read any of my previous posts, you know that my little guy has plenty of personality, and that my husband is wonderful but not always on the right page. And the right page is my page lol. Well last night we had a major breakthrough, Parental Progress if you will lol. Daddy finally got on the same page as mommy when it comes to putting Bubba down for bed. More importantly…he admitted I WAS RIGHT, and that my way of putting the baby to bed was BETTER!!!!!! Let me give you the deets on how the night played out.

Picture it! My house, 1 am, and the dog wakes up having to go poop. This happened Thursday morning, and of course my husband was so sleep that he didn’t hear the dog crying at our bedroom door. And no, the door was not closed. It was WIDE OPEN so there is no reason he shouldn’t have heard the dog. So I get up and go to let the dog out to use the bathroom, and of course, he takes 90 f*ckin years to do so. I literally stood at the sliding door to the backyard, half sleep and cold, for 20 minutes waiting on his ass to pee or poop. When he finally did poop he acted as though he didn’t want to come inside, and if it wasn’t 43 degrees…he woulda stayed out there. If it is between my sleep and a potential dogsicle…sleep wins every f*ckin time. I finally got him to come inside (with all kinds of 1am crazy threats), and got back in the bed.

At around 4am, or earlier (idk because the clock isn’t on my side and my phone fell on the side of the bed), the baby wakes up. He turns on his room light and starts calling MY NAME. Sidenote: That sh*t is so annoying. Call your damn daddy so that he can do some sh*t in the middle of the night lol. So of course I try to ignore it, but he doesn’t let up, and proceeds to play “who wants to be an epileptic” with the light switch. Finally my husband gets up (because I “gently” nudged him in the leg lmao) and what does he do? He brings the baby IN OUR BED! I have told him time and time again to NOT bring the baby into our bed. But does he listen…f*ck no! And of course, the baby keeps saying “mama play” while laying on my head…so I have to get up. We go in his room and close the doors, I turn on his lantern, and proceed to go back to sleep and let him play. By the way…if you’re wondering about the lantern, it’s because late night diaper changes are easier by lantern light, and I was still trying to sleep, so he got to have a lil fake camp out toy time.

If you guessed that when my husband woke up, he started to complain about how tired HE was (after I was the one up), you would be right. Not only did he tell me about how tired he was, he also told me that we needed to figure out a better way to get the baby to sleep. *insert blank face here* I just stared at him. Last time I checked, I told yo ass multiple times to get with the f*ckin sleep program that I have implemented, so that life would be easier, and you didnt listen. #BoyBye As I was staring at him, he noticed, and said “how do you get him to go to sleep without a fuss and stay sleep so easy?” I simply answered, ” I stick to my nite nite routine that you don’t do.” His response to that was, “we need to always do that then because he sleeps so much better, can you do it now?” (Timeout: “we don’t need to do sh*t…YOU do lol. Okay time in lol) I wanted to hop up and do my happy/I told you so/I was right dance…but you’ll all be happy to know that I didn’t. I simply said “sure…let me show you how it’s done.”

Baby was in bed and sleep by 8:36pm, with no attitude and no tears. I started the routine at 8:19pm.*Insert smirk here* He was shocked that it happened so easily, but I’m mommy, and therefore I am the sh*t. Oh and instead of waking up wanting to play, or being fussy until inevitably falling back to sleep…Bubba woke up at 6:30am. That, ladies and gents, is 20 minutes AFTER my husband and I wake up to start getting ready for work. This morning after the baby woke up and we got him ready for school, I turned to my husband and he said “Your way is cool.” SCORE FOR TEAM MOMMY! 

So yea…that is my successful mommy moment and my husband and I have officially made some Parental Progress. Damn I love moments like these.

Want to know my “Nite Nite” routine? Let me know if the comments below and I will add it to the bottom of this post.

 

*Toodles*

 

The Protocol of Pants

The title to this blog is weird I know. But trust me when I say that you will understand and agree with me once I am done. Like many women, I have a sh*t ton of clothing. Different shirts, skirts, dresses, shoes, and PANTS. I’m a big fan of having all kinds of pants, in all kinds of colors and styles. BUT…what I am not a fan of, is wearing something on my behind that doesn’t fit or look cute. I feel that a lot of women are offenders of this ridiculous sh*t…and it needs to STOP IMMEDIATELY!

There are many factors as to why a certain type of pant isn’t for you. One of the number one reason of why a pair of pants isn’t for you, is that they don’t f*ckin fit. If your pants look like they are eating your oochiecoochie…they don’t fit. If they look like you’ve messed yourself, in the front or back, with that saggy crotch look…they don’t fit! I am sick to death of seeing camel foot (yes foot because toe implies small and some of these hefas are just over the top with it) and booboo butt. If you think that you look good and you have either one of these things going on…ima need you to collect your entire life. No one wants top see that.

Outside of pants being ill-fitting, there is the material problem. This is going to sound mean but spandex is made equal…people aren’t. I’m not saying that you shouldn’t wear leggings or items such as that. What I am saying is that if you do, make sure you get your f*cking size. One size fits all/most is a suggestion not a law. If you put on a pair of leggings, and you can see your skin or underwear through them…they don’t fit! That is not sexy either. I know that some people swear that men love them for that reason, but only pervy creepers like to look at women’s asses through their see through pants. I’m sure no woman really wants THAT kind of attention lol. Make sure the material you wear actually covers your goodies the proper way please. Thanks.

The next thing on the list is pattern and prints. This is probably the one that 9/10 women violate. Lets start with anything that has lines. Horizontal lines do NOT make ANYONE look slim. Instead you look like a circus tent turn sideways after a storm. For the love of Gucci…please stop with the damn horizontal striped leggings. The other thing that is commonly misused is animal print. *signs and rolls eyes towards the sky* Please stop. Only animals should wear their prints. You look a damn fool, and that does not highlight your sexy at all. Please don’t think im body shaming either. I am merely pointing out that the reason animals wear prints is because they were born that way. Whichever way you were born (big, little, skinny, cruvalicious, short, tall) it is lovely…but don’t put a damn animal on your behind. No man looks at animal print and thinks “damn that’s a sexy ass cheetah/zebra.” No what he thinks is damn her as looks big in that print, and not in a good way. Sorry not sorry, but prints do nothing for no one when it comes to being worn as pants.

So overall, the Protocol of Pants is pretty simple. 

  1. Wear the right damn size.
  2. Spandex isn’t skin so don’t wear it like a second one.
  3. Animal prints are meant for animals, unless looking like a wide load is your thing (do you boo)

I hope that this helps some of you women who violate the protocol, or at least made you consider if you are. Again I’m not body shaming…I’m pant shaming. People are unique…pants are common. Don’t be a basic b*tch because you make bad pant choices. Follow the protocol and you will be OK and able to shine in all your fabulosity. You’re welcome.

Is there a clothing protocol that you would like me to talk about. If so, leave it in the comments below.

 

*Toodles*

Getting Back To Sexy

It’s been a few days since I posted, and I need to get it together lol. But I am here now, and I promise this week is gonna be a fun week on my blog. OK…so onto business. 

Have you ever looked in the mirror at yourself, or caught your reflection in some kind of surface and thought…”damn I’m sexy”? Well as of lately I can admit that I haven’t. I am extremely uncomfortable with how I look ever since I had my little love lump. Now I know that the body changes, and you get can get back to where you were with work, but I honestly feel like it hasn’t happened. And to make matter worse my son is now 18 months old…which means my snap-back should have been happened. Let me give you a little background as to why I’m feeling un-sexy.

Before I had my little dude, I was a dance teacher. I taught jazz, hip-hop, and the occasional ballet technique class when needed. Because of this I was in some great shape. My legs were toned, my tummy was flat, and everything was nice and tight. And I use to complain about that body. *shakes head and rolls eyes* Now that I’ve had a kid, I can’t even remember that body, without pics. I feel like I don’t even know myself anymore. There are parts of me that rub or jiggle that I didn’t even know could do that prior to having a baby lol. I need to get my entire life back together lol.

Now I’m sure your thinking “just workout/diet.” And to that I say “no sh*t.” I’ve been doing that, and it hasn’t been working…according to me. If you ask a family member or a close friend of mine (and maybe my husband but he lives with me so he probably doesn’t even notice) they save I have slimmed down. But I need to be able to see it, not everyone else. So far I have lost almost ten lbs, according to the scale, but in my eyes I don’t look or feel like it. I admit that I could exercise more, but making time to do that after working all day and having to take care of a little human. And as for dieting…I like food…and for some reason having to restrict myself from it makes me want it even more. But I am gonna get serious about getting my body back starting TODAY.

I have decided that I am going to do a low-carb diet, which means im giving up bread pasta and rice. All things of which I am madly in love with. I am also going to start doing an at home workout everyday. Now the workout that I’m going to do, one of my best friends (who is a mom of 2) found. It’s a workout just for moms. This will help me because yes I’m a mom, but im also a c-section mama…and it caters to that as well. There are certain things I physically can’t do yet when it comes to ab routines, and this workout acknowledges that. It is a 4 minute workout, and I plan on doing everyday, as well as a postpartum workout that is 30 minutes. That I will be doing twice a week. I use to pole dance for exercise, but since having my little dude, there is nowhere to put my pole. So until we buy a bigger house I wont be able to do that again, which sux.

So yea…mission “get my sexy back” is in full effect. Hopefully it all works out and I get back to feeling and looking like me. And if im being honest….I just wanna look and feel good naked again. lol. I’m somewhat of an exhibitionist, and i don’t feel the same walking around my house in the nude as I use to. I swear there is extra sh*t happening whenever I move lmao. THIS MUST STOP! I’ll be sure to keep you guys updated on my progress, and all the woes I’m inevitably gonna have with this. Oh and my husband is doing this with me…so I know that I’ll have plenty to report lmao.

What is your sexy, and is it the kind of sexy you want and like? Feel free to explain in the comments below.

 

*Toodles*

Inside the Mind of Ashley

Do you ever look around your house and think “f*ck this place is a mess,” but don’t get up to clean? Well I do. Lol. I have come to realize that there are days/weeks, when I just don’t feel like being bothered with anything…esp housework. Those are the times when crawling into bed or a bottle (of alcohol) with a movie and snacks sounds like a fun night. Now this may be just a woman thing, now that i think of it lol, but I’m sure there are some men who can relate to it to. But yea…I’ve decided to list all the things that I honestly hate doing or just plain don’t do…and my thoughts on each. Hopefully doing this will motivate me to do them…or at least someone else will make me feel less crazy because they’re just like me lol. Enjoy.

  1. Folding and putting away clothes (hate doing)
    1. “Why do I even wear clothes, and do I really need this many?” 
    2. “I’ll fold them when I’m less tired/after…”
    3. “Man f*ck these clothes! I’m not folding sh*t. If my husband doesn’t do it why should I?”
  2. Cleaning the kitchen (hate doing)
    1. “Why don’t kitchens clean themselves?”
    2. “Did my husband INTENTIONALLY make this much of a mess?”
    3. “Washing dishes are gross…so leave it to the hubs”
    4. “Damn I wish I could just throw these dishes away and get new ones instead of washing them.”
  3. Cleaning the bathroom (hate doing)
    1. “Who the f*ck keeps pissing on the floor?! The baby is still in diapers so that only leaves one person! *Looks at husband evilly*
    2. “Ima be pissed if I get bleach on my clothes”
    3. “The bathroom isn’t clean until my nose is burning from the fumes and everything is shining”
    4. “One of these days I’m just gonna stop cleaning this sh*t and see what happens.” *I tried that once and almost had a panic attack lol*
  4. Mopping (hate doing)
    1. “Why do I even bother when both these punks are gonna come in here and spill something on the floor as soon as I’m done?”
    2. “Is that sh*t? I swear if it’s sh*t I’m killing the dog.”
    3. “Okay it’s not sh*t…but what the hell is it?” *shivers violently while trying not to barf*
  5. Vacuuming (love doing, hate why I have to)
    1. “CRUUUUUUMMMMMBBBBBBSSSS!!!!!!”
    2. “Do they put any food in their damn mouths?”
    3. “That’s it! i’m shaving the f*ckin dog bald if I find one more clump of hair”
    4. “I’m gonna burn the f*ckin house down if  find one more I crumb after I JUST vacuumed!
  6. Walking the Dog (don’t do)
    1. “He’s 80lbs. That’s like me picking up my own sh*t! #hellno”
    2. “He doesn’t want to poop in the back yard? Well then i guess he’s gonna be out there until he does. Better run back and forth and pretend he’s on a walk.”
  7. Getting up after FINALLY sitting down (hate doing)
    1. “Why must you need something?”
    2. “Can’t you do it?”
    3. “Next person who asks mommy for a favor is getting locked in the closet”
  8. Cooking dinner after work (hate doing)
    1. “Do they really need to eat?’
    2. “I wonder if we have leftovers”
    3. “How many times have we had takeout this week?”
    4. “Why can’t he cook…without complaining?” 
  9. Late night baby tending (hate doing)
    1. “Maybe if I don’t breathe move or blink…he’ll go back to bed” *turns on light in his room and says mama*
    2. “My husband can get him” *pretends to snore*
    3. “Let me get up and get him because I’m not trying to hear my husbands mouth later. Yea you’re tired…but so am I. There is no f*ckin tiredopoly!”
  10. Using the bathroom uninterrupted (don’t do)
    1. “Can I go in peace?”
    2. “There is no need to ask me 9 million f*ckin questions right now…it can wait!”
    3. “What are they doing? Why is so quiet?” *gets up before finished to go investigate, then waits another hour to be able to finish*

Well…there you have it folks! Those are my top ten things I hate/don’t do when it comes to my home…and the thoughts I have behind them. I hope that some of you are like me too. If you’re not…youre probably a maid. Lmao.

What are some of the things you hate doing/don’t do around your house? Leave them in the comments below.

 

*Toodles*

Ask Ashley: Women As The Agressor

Ask Ashley will be a few days early, as I just got a question that relates to my post from yesterday.

Question: I loved your blog on “Freeway Theory” for dating! It definitely helped a lot. I realize that I’m definitely a person likes to “drive in the slow lane,” and I also like to use my “car signals,” to let guys know I’m interested. However, I realize that I am too passive, and feel like I may not have enough “road rage.” LOL. Basically my question is, how aggressive should a woman be if she is interested in a man? I want to be noticed, but not be too obvious about it. And is it okay, in this day and era, for a woman to hit on a man?

Answer: First, thanx for reading and subscribing. Now onto your question. I want to start off by saying that “road rage” is never the answer in relationship freeways lol. You don’t want to come off crazy and like you know better than everyone else. No one likes a pretentious as*hole type person. Doesn’t matter if you’re male or female…an as*hole is an as*hole. But I digress. Letting a guy know you’re interested is very important if you are trying to start up a romantic relationship with him. However, there is a difference between aggression and neediness…and it is a fine line to dance on.

As women we should feel liberated enough to go after what we want, especially if it’s a man.There is no rule that men have to be the aggressors and chase the woman, but society has made it into some sort of taboo for us to do that. To that idea I say, kiss my sweet sexy ass! I went after my husband and look where that got me…MARRIED! I completely support you being the one to hit on a man, as long as you do it right.

In my opinion, the right way to hit on a man is to not overthink it, not do too much, and not try and be enticing. Just be you. You don’t want to reel in a man based on a part-time characteristic. You want him to like you for you…which is who you are behind closed doors and outside. Those two versions of yourself should be one and the same. Changing yourself and your approach, will only attract the type of men who like those part-time characteristics you’re rocking. 9 times out of 10, those changes you make are not compatible with the type of man/relationship you want, so be true to yourself and you will attract the right type of man you are looking for.

Another thing you need to be careful of when approaching a man, is the amount of contact. DO NOT hit him up every time you think about him! That makes you seem lonely and desperate. A man needs to know that you have a life outside of him, so that if he’s with you, he wont be the only thing your world revolves around. (Side note: If a man wants your world to revolve around him…run for the hills because he’s batsh*t crazy, and that’s a lifetime move in the making lol) You need separation that allows you to still be an individual within your relationship. When he calls or text, there is no need to wait and answer, or play any of those trivial “dating games.” This isn’t a game you’re playing…it’s real life. I think that when a man call or texts you, you don’t have to answer right away if you’re busy or just don’t want to, but if you did there’s no harm in that. Just don’t be too pushy with the calls and texts. Space out your time, talk throughout the entire day, try to be unattached to your text feed with him. In other words…LIVE YOUR F*CKING LIFE! If you don’t hold on to who you are, you will not only lose out on a good relationship, but you will lose yourself. And at the end of the day, your relationship with yourself is what matters most. 

Well I hope that I answered your question and helped you out some. Remember…being the aggressor in the relationship is OK and I totally support that! But…being beautifully you, for you, is even more important. And don’t worry…love will find its way!

*Toodles*