I have come to the realization that babies are maniacal little criminals. They steal your sleep, your food, your clothes (at least mine does), and anything else that they shouldn’t be touching. I also feel like they purposefully do things that they know will irritate or upset you, but then smile at you and your heart melts. And of course…you can’t even stay mad lol. Let me give you a few examples of how my child is a baby criminal and what kind(s) he is, and maybe yours are like this too.
- Sleep Assassin: I have no idea why, but I feel like some days it is my child’s life goal to f*ck up my sleep. And I don’t mean a little wining or fussiness. No I am talking full-blown “don’t touch me” meltdowns over milk. To add to that ridiculousness…he then has the audacity to get in the bed with us (my husband is the one who allows this mess) and want to toss and turn. Mind you…when he tosses and turns he is not just flopping from side to side. No…he likes to audition for cirque du solei in our bed. He flips, flops, flows, goes, and does whatever else he feels he needs to do to so-called “get comfy.” And in the process of this, he kicks me in the face and chest repeatedly, which feels like he is working on trying to slowly kill me. Death by 1000 baby kicks.
- Mealtime Murderer: Any time my son eats I’m happy. That is until he literally takes the food off my damn plate…or out of my mouth. He could have JUST ate, and this little boy will still wanna eat MY food. If I don’t give him some of my food, he will then proceed to act a complete fool. I then give in, and let him have some of my food…just to stop the theatrics. In my bones, I truly believe that he is slowly and systematically trying to kill me through lack of food. Malnutrition is real people! You’ve seen the commercials about animals who have been abused and starved? Well that’s me too.
- Playtime Punisher: Ok. I am allll for my little boy acting like a little boy, but there certain games that you can’t play with mommy. Some games are better left to be played with daddy. The “punch you in the chest game” does NOT work for mommy and her breast. It f*ckin hurts to take a fist to the tit! But even though I tell him that it’s not OK…he still does it because my reaction of utter pain is funny to him. And don’t even get me started on his obsession with trying to tackle me. Yes, daddy is a football coach…but mommy doesn’t have any protective gear on. So all you’re doing is head butting me. Concussions can kill if they happen repeatedly at different degrees…but as long as he’s having fun I guess its ok…for him.
- Toy Terrorist: Picture it! You’re walking through your house. The lights are off. You turn into the kitchen to get a glass of water and then…..BAM!!!!! Stepped on a f*kin toy. It’s like a kiddie I.E.D sent to kill you from the feet up. And of course after you step on it you either fall down somehow, run into something else, hit your head or elbow, and now your even more f*cked up then when you started off. All you wanted was a glass of water, not to walk through a damn war zone full of toy landmines just to get to the fridge. If your kid wasn’t a tiny toy terrorist…this would have never happened. Oh and don’t blame the toy or your spouse…this was all a part of your kids elaborate plan to make it “look like and accident.”
So yea…those are the why kids are Baby Criminals. There no way you can convince me that all of the things I listed above, aren’t the work of a criminal mastermind. They’ve just figured out the easiest and most full proof plan on how to get away with murder. WATCH YOUR BACKS PEOPLE! Lol.
What are some things that your Baby Criminal does that you are sure is with the intent of murder or injury behind? Lol. Leave it in the comments below.