Freaky Friday: Nipple Nonsense

Does anyone else have a spouse who is obsessed with their nipples? And by obsessed I mean constantly committing the 3 p’s against them. The 3 p’S being: pinch, poke, and pull. Well here’s a little TMI for you…my husband is a Nipple Nonsense offender…and I swear there are times when I want to f*ckin gut check him when he does it. I truly think that the offender does not think of what they are doing to their spouse. So let me explain it.

Men. You know how your balls are ultra sensitive? And how you don’t want anything or anyone handling them in an aggressive or rough manner? Well that’s exactly how nipples are! Just think as nipples, and breast in general, as the same way. THEY ARE SENSITIVE! In fact, they are even more sensitive than your mansicles as they get tender all on their own…at various times of the month and life. I guarantee that if your man globes went through the hormonal shifts that our boobies go through…you wouldn’t be able to function (not that many of you can when it comes to them lol).

There is absolutely never ever ever, a reason to assault a nipple…outside of the bedroom. Yes, I specified this to an in the bedroom thing. In the bedroom, when the lights are low and the juices flow, it is perfectly OK to get a little rough with the nips. It is arousing (well to most women, but if you’re not in this majority…youre missing out and im sorry for you lol), and can kick the bedroom yoga into high gear. But if you are doing any of the pinching, poking, pulling, or biting outside of the bedroom…it is assault on the nip!

If women did to men’s love bags, what they do to our boobs….they would all die off. Why you ask? It’s because they would be too sacred to have sex with us, and therefore the procreation rate would go down drastically, and we humans as we know them would die off. All that would be left would be some strange ball and breast asexual human hybrid. So here is what I am gonna need. I need all men or anyone else with a boobie obsession, to STOP with the NIPPLE NONSENSE! That sh*t hurts like a b*tch and is only meant for the bedroom. And if you don’t stop…then every woman now has the free reign to do the same to her man’s boxer berries! You’ve been warned lol.

What are somethings that your spouse thinks is sexy but is really nonsense to you? If your bold enough, leave it in the comments below.

 

*Toodles*

How Was Your Day?

I’ve realized that as a woman, a mom, and a wife…I spend a majority of my day asking other people how their days were. Of course it is the polite thing to do in some situations, but in some ways it has turned into a habit. A habit that I literally have no control over. Asking “How was your day,” is almost a knee jerk reaction towards some people, such as my son and husband, and frankly…I’m tired of it. 

Yes. I do care how their days were. I love them and their happiness, so why wouldn’t i? It is literally ingrained in my soul to care about how their day was, as much as it is ingrained in me to downplay my day. That’s some bullsh*t!!! Have you ever just really stopped to think how often you are actually honest about how your day REALLY was? I bet that you haven’t kept it 100% real in a loooooong time. Not to say you’re lying about how you day was, but you never really let on exactly how it was…especially if it was a bad one.

Something about having a bad day just makes women want to not be bothered. I know for me, when I have a bad day, I don’t want to tell anyone all the details of why it was bad. Actually…i take that back. I will tell my girls the straight up no holds bar truth, but my husband…nah. The reason I wont tell him, is because men have a way of saying the wrong thing at the wrong time. If i have had a bad day do you really want to tell me “it could have been worse,” or “just let it go,” or “it’s not that serious”?????? The answer to that is HELL NO!!!!! I don’t need that type of sh*t when im already in a bad mood. All that is gonna do is piss me off even more. What I need is for someone to listen and just be in shock and awwww…and then remind me that I shouldnt do something that will end up with me having my own episode of deadly women. Nonchalance isn’t welcome when a woman is pissed off. Pick a side of the damn fence or get off my property.

For once I would love to tell the absolute truth about my bad day. I think it would be amazing if my husband came home, asked me how my day was, and i simply said “f*cked up.” From there he would listen to how my day ACTUALLY was (the un-simplified version) and say the right things when they need to be said…or just not say anything at all. I don’t need or want a cheerleader or hype man…but I do want to unload with dumb*ass comments being hurled my way after.

So ladies…I want to know how your days were…and I want you to keep it real. There are no kids on here, and if there are men on here…welcome to the inner circle of female irritation. Learn some things and take it back to your people lol. Leave your answers in the comments below. I look forward to your uncensored vent sessions lol.

 

*Toodles*

WOMAN Wednesday: Separation of Love & Life

Alright ladies listen up! I am sick to f*ckin death of some of you who allow their love life and their social life to intersect too much. And before you bite my head off and say I’m tripping, just hear me out. For every relationship type (meaning dating, serious, or married) there is a woman who will ALLOW her self to get completely lost in her relationship. That sh*t is just dumb, and I don’t get it at all whatsoever.

It is crazy to me why some women feel the need to change because they are in a relationship. I mean you were you before ya man, or woman (it’s all love), and you are still you while you’re with them. But…we all have someone in our lives, either friend or family, who changes who she is and what she stands for…for a MAN! Like wtf?! I’m sorry but there is not a d*ck in this world good enough to make me forget me. And if there is, which I highly doubt, I’m gonna need him to teach a class to all men in the world. Us women could use some “forget me d*ck” lol.

Now I know it’s not all about sex, and that the relationship, and the way the woman feels is a big part of this. But come on dude…sometimes you need to curb your feelings and let your logic step up to bat. I have a few friends who let their hearts think for them, and all that has resulted in is partial brain damage and chest pains. If I hear one more damn sob story about how some woman has been “done wrong” or how she is just “so hurt” because she “loved him so much,” I’m gonna vomit! Just because you’re in a relationship does not mean it has to be the only one you have. 

Yes! I am talking about friendship neglect too. Ignoring your friends for a relationship is the quickest way to become a cat lady. I am not going to be friends with someone, who can only be my friend when her man is out-of-town or if she’s single. That is a level of f*ckery that I just wont tolerate, and if you do this…I think I should be allowed to throat punch you one good time. Not to mention that it is completely insulting to your future former friends (because this is what’s gonna happen if you keep acting this way) that you only hit them up when your going through something with your man, or if the relationship has ended. Whatever happened to chicks before d*cks? Obviously it’s as dead a concept as the 1970’s porn bush being sexy is. Damn shame.

So to clarify ladies…you can NOT change your personality like you change your undies. It just doesn’t work like that. If it did, I guarantee you that I would take off my personality every time I felt sad or mad and trade it in for a newer more pleasant model lol. Due to the fact that you can’t do this, there needs to be an immediate separation of love and life. You have to be able to maintain all relationships in your life. Your boo, your friends, your family, and most importantly yourself. If you are one of the women I am referring to in this post…then I suggest you do some real soul-searching before you lose your love life and your social life.  

Well that’s my rant of the day lol. I just had to touch on this matter because a few people I know have been dealing with this themselves, or through a friend. We gotta stop allowing ourselves to fall into a relationship and forget everything else ladies. It’s not healthy and it’s just not cool. Love you enough for you and live for you not love.

I have no question of the day, but feel free to ask me one or comment below.

 

*Toodles*

Baby Criminals

I have come to the realization that babies are maniacal little criminals. They steal your sleep, your food, your clothes (at least mine does), and anything else that they shouldn’t be touching.  I also feel like they purposefully do things that they know will irritate or upset you, but then smile at you and your heart melts. And of course…you can’t even stay mad lol. Let me give you a few examples of how my child is a baby criminal and what kind(s) he is, and maybe yours are like this too.

  • Sleep Assassin: I have no idea why, but I feel like some days it is my child’s life goal to f*ck up my sleep. And I don’t mean a little wining or fussiness. No I am talking full-blown “don’t touch me” meltdowns over milk. To add to that ridiculousness…he then has the audacity to get in the bed with us (my husband is the one who allows this mess) and want to toss and turn. Mind you…when he tosses and turns he is not just flopping from side to side. No…he likes to audition for cirque du solei in our bed. He flips, flops, flows, goes, and does whatever else he feels he needs to do to so-called “get comfy.” And in the process of this, he kicks me in the face and chest repeatedly, which feels like he is working on trying to slowly kill me. Death by 1000 baby kicks.
  • Mealtime Murderer: Any time my son eats I’m happy. That is until he literally takes the food off my damn plate…or out of my mouth. He could have JUST ate, and this little boy will still wanna eat MY food. If I don’t give him some of my food, he will then proceed to act a complete fool. I then give in, and let him have some of my food…just to stop the theatrics. In my bones, I truly believe that he is slowly and systematically trying to kill me through lack of food. Malnutrition is real people! You’ve seen the commercials about animals who have been abused and starved? Well that’s me too.
  • Playtime Punisher: Ok. I am allll for my little boy acting like a little boy, but there certain games that you can’t play with mommy. Some games are better left to be played with daddy. The “punch you in the chest game” does NOT work for mommy and her breast. It f*ckin hurts to take a fist to the tit! But even though I tell him that it’s not OK…he still does it because my reaction of utter pain is funny to him. And don’t even get me started on his obsession with trying to tackle me. Yes, daddy is a football coach…but mommy doesn’t have any protective gear on. So all you’re doing is head butting me. Concussions can kill if they happen repeatedly at different degrees…but as long as he’s having fun I guess its ok…for him.
  • Toy Terrorist: Picture it! You’re walking through your house. The lights are off. You turn into the kitchen to get a glass of water and then…..BAM!!!!! Stepped on a f*kin toy. It’s like a kiddie I.E.D sent to kill you from the feet up. And of course after you step on it you either fall down somehow, run into something else, hit your head or elbow, and now your even more f*cked up then when you started off. All you wanted was a glass of water, not to walk through a damn war zone full of toy landmines just to get to the fridge. If your kid wasn’t a tiny toy terrorist…this would have never happened. Oh and don’t blame the toy or your spouse…this was all a part of your kids elaborate plan to make it “look like and accident.”

So yea…those are the why kids are Baby Criminals. There no way you can convince me that all of the things I listed above, aren’t the work of a criminal mastermind. They’ve just figured out the easiest and most full proof plan on how to get away with murder. WATCH YOUR BACKS PEOPLE! Lol.

What are some things that your Baby Criminal does that you are sure is with the intent of murder or injury behind? Lol. Leave it in the comments below.

*Toodles*

Hairy Situations

I bet you are thinking this video is about other hair on my body. LOL. Well…SPOILER ALERT…its not! Although I will probably post something like that down the line…but who knows. Enjoy the video, and feel free to leave your comments below!

*Toodles*

Yesterday Today…MomME Time

Yesterday I wasn’t able to post because I was having some MomME time, and it was glorious. It was much-needed time to just be alone, with no responsibilities other than catering to me and anything and everything I wanted. Sometimes us mommas forget to take care of us, because we are too busy dong everything for everyone. Let me tell you about my day.

I woke up early, and went and got my nails done…at 9AM! YES! You read right. I was up and out of the house, without the hubs and the baby, by 9AM. It was craaaaazy, and when I was leaving the house I truly felt like  was forgetting something lol. Obviously I had everything I needed, aka my purse, but without the diaper bag and the baby…I felt naked lol. That’s when I realized that this little break of mine was MUCH needed.

So after my mani/pedi/massage…I went to do a little shopping. Of course I couldn’t find anything (typical right?) but I did do a thorough amount of browsing, and realized that on another day I could do some real shopping. Hopefully I can do that without buying the baby or the house anything, but I highly doubt it lol. I swear it’s like the curse of the mommy to forget to buy yourself something nice every now and then.

With the unsuccessful mini shopping trip under my belt, I then went to get my hair done. I know…hair and nails in the same day…what is this college?! LOL. Getting pampered at the salon was glooooooorious. I even got my hair flat ironed, which I haven’t been doing for quite some time, and got a much-needed trim. I swear as those ends, that were NOT cute lol, fell off…I felt like a new woman. And please re-read that…I felt like a WOMAN not a mommy.

Feeling like a woman and not just a mommy, was a foreign feeling. But as foreign as it was…it felt wonderful. it was almost like a found ME again, and I missed me. I missed just being able to get up and go do something nice for myself, that made me feel good and beautiful. It’s not that I don’t love being a mom and a wife, but I also love who I am outside of them. I needed to get back in touch with her, and I’m glad I did.

So for all you mommas who do everything for the family all day everyday, I encourage you to take some momME time and get back to being you. Youre just as important as the family you love and take care of, and don’t forget that. And I can definitely say that I plan on doing that again. At least once a month…in theroy. lmao. 

What are some things you would want to do on your momME time? Let me know in the comments below.

 

*Toodles* 

Back That A** Up

Okay! So one of my BIGGEST pet peeves is when people step into my bubble. Personal space is a serious thing to me…I take it super serious. I don’t know why, but for some strange and unusual reason, people I don’t know looooove to jump in my bubble. WTF?! Is personal space an outdated concept and I didn’t get the memo? If so I’m gonna need someone to fix that sh*t immediately! It is inappropriate and rude to be in another persons space.

The other day I was at Mommys R Us (aka Target), and whilst I was waiting in line, this woman and her kid violated my bubble. Now I know you’re probably thinking that “violate” is too strong of a word…but let me explain the situation. As I’m calmly standing in line waiting my turn for the cashier (I had coupons to use so self checkout wasnt an option sadly) they roll up in their cart. Now normally this wouldn’t be an issue, but the first thing that happens is that they bump into my heels. (Insert side-eye here) Of course I turned around to look at her, and all she said to me was “oops.” Ummmmm excuse me hefa…an apology is what you should be giving me right now.

Of course of alllll the days for Target to be running at the speed of paint drying, today would be the day. I’m already irritated by her “oopsing” me, and now I have to wait for the store to get it together and send out one of the many employees that are walking about. As I’m still patiently (well not really lol) waiting, this womans kid decides he wants to stand up in the cart, and start rocking back and forth screaming. And not just any scream. This kid is screaming at the top of her lungs, literally 2ft from my ear because she was leaning forward and away from her mom who was trying to grab her. So not only do I have to deal with the fact that you hit me, now baby junior son of a b*tch is screaming the store down…in my damn ear. NOT OK!

So finally the line moves forward, and I’m next to put my stuff on the belt. Do you know that this hefa had the AUDACITY to lean forward, OVER ME, and put her stuff down, before I was even done getting all my stuff out the cart! She was literally breathing on my neck trying to put her stuff down (sidenote: she was holding most of her stuff because her kid would “allow” her to put the items in the cart withe her). Now I’m pissed, so I not so calmly turn around and say “excuse you, you’re in my space,” to which she says “I have a kid okay?” *crickets* What in the hell does you having a bad ass little human with you have to do with you violating my personal space. Not a f*cking thing that’s what.

In response to the worlds stupidest response, I merely tell her that she needs to “BACK THAT A** UP, and get out of my personal space.” I also tell her that her kid is far to close to me, and everyone else in the store to be acting such a fool. Some of you may think mentioning her kid was harsh, but after 5 straight minutes of the screaming and hollering f*ckery…everyone in the store had enough. Everyone who heard me say it started to mumble their agreeance, and some even laughed. This upset the lady, and she proceeded to snatch her kid out of the basket, who was now trying to fall out on the floor as she hit her mom, and storm out of the store. But…the plus side…she gave me a WIDE berth of space when she did it. COMPLETELY out of MY bubble lol!

I don’t feel bad for how things went down at all. She needed a reality check that just because you have a kid, does NOT give you some asinine claim to being a d*ck. Nor does it excuse your lack of social grace and common courtesy. So if you are ever anywhere and someone is all in your bubble…please feel free to take a note from the pages of Ashley. Tell them to “BACK THAT A** UP,” and go about your day in a uninterupted way.

What are some of your biggest pet peeves? Let me know in the comments below.

*Toodles*